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Thanks to whoever recommended The Mixerman Diaries link in a blog a few days ago. It's great. Here's the funniest part I've read yet, Jerimiah is the annoying label A&R sitting in on the recording process :
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Unfortunately, by appeasing Jeramiah, he figured that he could just push me around. So Jeramiah began to pick on other things that he felt weren’t right. He felt that the snare drum really needed to “soar” more. I could tell that Jeramiah was a very persistent lad, and what he wanted he was going to get. So I ripped a small piece of white board tape that we use for labeling gear, and I wrote on it, “snare”, and then I wrote “soar” on another piece of tape. I carefully placed the “snare” label on an unused Pultec (the 35-year-old analog EQ that I used on the drums), as that particular piece of equipment has very large knobs. The implementation of an audio placebo works best when done with large knobs, because the person being duped really feels that he’s making a difference. Pultecs are also great for this because they have plenty of room for labeling, so I put the “soar” label directly above one of the large knobs.
“Turn this knob slowly… make SURE you turn it slowly, because if you add too much soar, you could blow out my speakers,” I told him as if I were telling a ghost story at a campfire.
“That’s the soar knob?” he asked excitedly.
No, Jeramiah, it only becomes a sore knob if you play with it too much, I thought to myself. Unfortunately, had I answered in this manner my ruse would have been over before it began, as he surely would have concluded that I had set-up him up purely for that line.
“Yes, if you turn that knob, the snare will soar,” I answered. “But for God’s sake, be careful!” I exclaimed.
“How does it work?” he asked.
At this particular question, I was momentarily taken aback. How does the soar knob work? Was he looking for a detailed technical explanation that he wouldn’t understand as to why the knob works? I considered saying that it worked through the power of suggestion, but that would have given away the ruse. So, I told him how it worked.
“It sends a harmonized signal through the flux capacitor chamber, which is then blended back in to the original signal using a time stretch mechanism,” I explained, pulling from my genetically passed-on ability to spew phenomenal amounts of bullshit on the spot and actually sound credible.
“Whoa!” Jeramiah exclaimed in awe of my expertise in such things.
So he ever so carefully toyed with his soar knob. I’d be surprised if he actually turned the knob more than a millimeter at a time. With each millimeter, I could see the expression on his face change at the obvious results. He kept adding the tiniest amount of soar at a time, until such time that he realized he had added too much, and he backed it down a notch. When he had settled on just the right amount of “soar,” he smiled, as if he could hear a difference. And I nodded enthusiastically.
“You know what?” I said, acting shocked and simultaneously impressed, “I thought it had enough soar, but it’s better now. You really have good ears!”
Lance, being privy to the entire episode of audio placebo, concluded that he deserved to be in on the fun. “I think you should add “thump” to the kik drum,” he interjected. So I made a “thump” label.
This sort of fun went on for the better part of an hour. As Jeramiah continued to turn knobs, he was obviously convinced that he was actually making a difference. There was an abundance of hand-written labels scattered over the knobs of unconnected gear. I was running out of knobs as the control room began to look like an elementary classroom with words taped up everywhere. Words such as “sheen,” “warmth,” “crack,” “heat,” “brass”—don’t ask me, Jeramiah wanted the guitar to sound more “brass.” Who am I to disagree?
Finally, Willy had arrived, and he immediately began scanning the gear rack. The band was playing a take, and Jeramiah was standing in front of the console with this smug little grin on his face, as if he’d actually made a difference. Willy began to further inspect all of the labels, and I grew concerned that he might blow the gag.
“Jeramiah made some improvements to my sounds,” I said. “Do you like how the snare soars now?” I said, as I pointed to the soar label on the Pultec.
Willy looked at me and smiled.
“I think it’s soaring a bit too much,” he replied as he reached to tone it down a notch.
Jeramiah questioned the validity of such an adjustment and expressed a slight concern with making such a move in the middle of a take. But Willy insisted it would be fine and that he only moved the knob a little.
“But the tiniest adjustment on that knob makes a BIG difference!” Jeramiah professed.
I kid you not.
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Comments
06/07/07
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Roshi
LOL...you're welcome. That shit is so funny.
I love Fingaz.
Also, I am going to label all the knobs on my synths "SOAR". 
06/07/07
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mlbot
that was my favorite part, too. I kid you not.
06/07/07
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adcBicycle
Yes, I thought is was you Roshi... thanks!
I also love when he decides to play up the engineer role in front the cameras with a Hawaiian shirt because the mixer in a Bette Middler show wore one.
06/07/07
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sohcahtoa
Yes, thank you Roshi...I've been reading and loving this as well.
06/07/07
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adcBicycle
Hey, does anyone have any idea of what band he's talking about?
06/07/07
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mlbot
Autechre
06/07/07
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Roshi
LOL, I never knew that Autechre were such assholes
06/07/07
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p1ay3rtw0
man, all this time I thought my soar knob was actually doing something....
06/07/07
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electrodan
I have a "SORE" knob on one of my guitars.
PLAY TILL YOUR AUDIENCE HURTS
06/07/07
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EsromCole
I only read Day 1 so far but its great. The drummer, the poor poor drummer.
06/07/07
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utofbu
im hooked
i started at beginning. dopedopedope!!
06/07/07
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opulentaudio
This is great stuff
06/07/07
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adcBicycle
Damn. I didn't realize it's not all online. Beware!! You got to buy the rest after week 6.
But a good read regardless.
06/07/07
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Roshi
There is some speculation that it's assembled from a bunch of terrible experiences...don't know, but it's pretty amusing.
06/07/07
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adcBicycle
some parts are *slightly* unbelievable... like when he's just about to name his price, and at that very moment the drummer breaks the iso booth glass and breaks his wrist
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