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Author: astroid on November 10 2007 Viewed 2391 times. 31 people liked this blog. You can rate it below if you haven't already.
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I tried to apply for a job off of craigslist last night. i probably shouldn't have done it at 4 am, but I did:
email #1
"Hello,
My name is Scott Bruzenak. I would like to apply for
your writing job. As reflected in my resume, I write
'coverage' for an actor. This involves analysis and
expression, but not at the level you would require. I
am not going to enclose a sample of that because they
prefer, frankly, that I write at a third grade level.
As far as a sample, I have nothing except for this
letter. Why don't I describe something for you?
"My apartment is situated in sunny Valley Village
California. The air here is some of the worst in the
world, bad enough to turn the skies a clammy pink at
night, a consistency which sticks to the palms of your
hands and seeps into your fingernails. My apartment
was apparently built in the 60s, as evidenced by the
peach stove which has not been for at least as long as
we've lived here. "We" in this case means my fiancee
and I.
There is an odd tilt to the apartment, as if it had
been drawn in a spasm by Malevich and then painted by
a drunk Rothko to the current bone color. In reality,
the walls are just a little dirty, and the foundation
was probably thrown askew during the big earthquake.
We chose the location because of the price, which was
as right as you could get in this city without
consulting Bob Barker, and the hardwood floors, which
make life tolerable. Rounding out the sad quirks of
this place, the whole miserable affair faces west,
which adds an oven-like quality to a nice 120 degree
Los Angeles day.
We hope to move very soon, maybe some breathtaking
spanish style villa with tile floors recalling the
alhambra and heavy oak doors, where we could roll in a
bosendorfer and experiment with hanging persian rugs
from the walls to dampen our debussy. We would swim
in our black bottom pool and ride arabians through the
trails out back. We would complement our solar
powered life with bio-diesel excursions to the
farmer's market to get fair trade coffee for our
breakfast. But for now, it's ho-hos and reruns of
cops as we listen to the neighbors drink themselves to
death!"
Of course, anything I write for your clients would
have an unscrapable patina of class. I will airbrush
their ideals until they fit in any Robb Report. I
will sell dreams. I am the H.P. Lovecraft of
corporate lifestyle choices.
thanks for your consideration,
Scott Bruzenak "
and then email #2
"Hello again,
Some details I failed to include: I would be able to
work full 40 hour weeks in the time in question. I
have a dsl line which I use often for transport of
files for my audio jobs.
I devour creative jobs like this, leaving cities of
words and concepts forming eddies in my wake. I would
tear off lusty hunks of this job raw, eviscerate the
vein-blue musculature of the description-object and
spit out an origami fold of polished bones to create a
tautology of consumerism. Dollars flow in, never out.
Clients live, love, die, their whole lives given to
the sickly sweet oblivion of the arcology, the
totality determined by the needs of the industry. The
hypnosis is instantaneous and perfect. The surface is
maybe a word, a turn of phrase that doesn't leave the
mind's ear, lingering long enough in the 7-object
limit of memory. The substance is absolute surrender
to what seems to be a dream, but in fact was implanted
as a need to be fulfilled. Behold! The solution and
problem in the same breath, a trojan horse in sheep's
clothing. Wool cloaks for all as we traverse back
over the rubicon for a hero's tribute!
anyway,
maybe you'll choose someone more 'sane', someone with
'relevant CV'. I don't know. If you have read to
this point, you see something I have. You want it.
Maybe if you try as hard as you can, and give me 35
dollars and hour, you can have it, focused like haarp
upon your clouds and fault lines. That, my dear
application reader, is the clay of which legends are
forged.
thanks again
scott"
oops
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Comments
11/10/07
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astroid
i dare not make email #3 for fear of restraining orders
11/10/07
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monkvolcano
i think the job's in the bag.
11/10/07
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monkvolcano
also, have you not been getting your cardio or something?
11/10/07
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frnortnr
awesome
11/10/07
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jogn
brilliant! I love that patina of class bit.
#1 was great, #2 was slightly stalker like.
11/10/07
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atum
too much information, bring it down a few notches next time. you came on a bit strong there
11/10/07
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astroid
then maybe #3 will be just right?
11/10/07
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astroid
HEY PAWEL TROLL ME YOU SACK OF SHIT
11/10/07
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atum
it puts the lotion on its hands
11/10/07
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electrodan
lol
#2 is a shoe-in
pls send me #3 and I will do QA/QC
YOU'RE CLOSE
11/11/07
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astroid
ok here's a draft
"A fig for your employer borne upon twin olive branches of commerce: INDUSTRY the diogenes dog philosophe, feculent in his barrel of waste, spitting upon friend and foe alike, ART the alexander rei tyrannus, resplendent and blood-crazed upon the menses of india-A HYDRA FROM WHICH 5 OTHERS HAVE BEEN LOST. These sciences I shall enumerate:
1. PERSONOGRAPHY: the shakespeare drinking selfsame urine from the vessel of sperm, a fireflesh upon burning pyres of identity and geneaology
2. MAGNADICTION: hitler fighting nostradamus for a ham sandwich in the bowels of megaloth
3. INERTAXIS: leibnitz and newton vs leopold and loeb, the lovers and alchemists who define an opposition which in reality is a screwworm
4. FUCKTHRONE: the goat with a thousand young fighting the harpies of hell in the glade of suicides
5. IOWA: the borne center of all centerless fringes fucking itself back to life and simultaneously dying in its own birth OUROBOUROS
these alchemies and gnosticisms I have engaged thee upon the fear of mine own flesh being rendered asunder the marrow. my tongue forks upon the intonation. employ me so that satan himself may buy an extra ophan prostitute to break genitally and fire the feasts of our feast! be we sated 666 love and ghosts
sincerely,
scott"
11/11/07
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astroid
i need to add some lines like "writing copy or eating babies, it's all the same to me!"
11/11/07
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mixedtape
you're HIRED!
11/11/07
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dach
Definitely send #3.
11/11/07
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Adjective
I saw Fuckthrone when they opened for Magnadiction, amazing set.
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