| StoreTags: mormon, latter day sain, underwear
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so i wake up today around 4:00 pm and Judge Judy is on the tv (which i forgot to turn off before i went to sleep) and her hideous cackly voice is enough to get me out of bed.
I turn off the television, and hit the computer for some internets.
then there's a knock on my door. i look out the peephole and it's two young men wearing dressy pants and short-sleeve dress shirts and backpacks. I open the door, half naked, still in my underwear from sleeping, and they have this surprised look on their face. this humors me a bit, and i seductively hang my hands on the threshold, fully exposing my moobs for the mormons to see freely.
"can i help you?" i ask.
"hi how are you doing? we were wondering if you had some time to talk to us for a little bit."
"oh yeah? let me put some clothes on ... wait right here"
leaving them standing at the doorway, i go to my room to get some clothes. I yell at them from my room to come in, but they say that's alright (so much for the gay seduction joke I had planned ... i would only do that one indoors). i manage some clothes on, and step outside to chat.
"would you like a cigarette?" i ask.
"no thanks, we don't smoke" one of them says (the other one never talked through the whole dialogue)
"oh ... yeah that's right ... no caffeine either, huh?"
"no, sir"
"nice day outside isn't it?"
"yes sir, wanted to ask you about Jesus Christ today, we were wonderi-"
"what's your name?" i cut him off.
"um, my name is Elder Branson, and this is Elder Murphy"
"both you guys' first names is Elder? neat." i toy with him some more.
"um, no sir, it's a title."
I'm already on a different subject "so what do you want to know about Jesus?"
"excuse me?" he replies
"you said you wanted to talk about Jesus ... what do you want to know about him?" i have a straight face the entire time - no joke
"well we wanted to know if you've accepted him?"
"what do you mean by accepted ... like ... accepted his invitation?"
"sort of -"
"you can tell him he's cool in my book!"
"oh, ok. would you be interested in coming to church to see us some more and talk about Jesus"
"i've been there before, I went to boyscouts in that church"(true story-weird people)"hey is it true that you guys wear red underwear?"
"um ... no ..."
my cigarette is finshed and i feel my morning shits coming (morning for me at least) "well, hey, Elder, its been great talking to you, if you have any pamphlets i'd love to read them ..."
the boy checks his backpack and has a disappointed look on his face.
"only in spanish"
"alright, next time then, later Elders"
i run back inside my house. the mormons go off to the other neighbors houses.
Mormons - you made my day.
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edited: Sep 23 2006
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datathinner
09/23/06
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midgetfidget
That site is telling me that condoms are good for masturbation. Please save me from myself, who knows where I've been?
09/23/06
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kombineziena
haha lol
09/23/06
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quip
"During this period of control several things can be done to make the process easier and more effective. As one meets with his priesthood leader, a
program for overcoming masturbation can be implemented using some of the suggestions which follow. Remember it is essential that a regular report program be agreed on, so progress can be recognized and failures understood and eliminated."
I would like you to sort me a wank timetable please. I would like one in the morning and one at night if thats possible. Mormon priests must love their job.
09/23/06
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Zanf
"and schedule in a possible sneaky quick one on the toilets at work, in the afternoon, when im really bored."
haha...wank schedule
09/23/06
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soft
LOL
great story.
mormons said: "Masturbation is a sinful habit that robs one of the Spirit and creates guilt and emotional stress.
This self-gratifying activity will cause one to lose his self-respect and feel guilty and depressed,
"
O RLY?
09/23/06
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quip
Yeah that afternoon wank is very important. Its what the Sunday Sport was invented for.
09/23/06
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colin
you should have hit him with a synthesizer blast .-- like uh h- thriller style
09/23/06
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Tenine
Haha, ace.
I'm waiting for the time I get stopped by Mormons in town, I've been waiting for a while now.
09/23/06
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ricemutt
heh, there were mormons all over in taiwan, too. my family is mormon but i'm not. mom dragged me along to a mormon group conference thing or something when I was over there and it scared the shit out of me. They were talking about taking over china (spiritually) and how they needed the taiwnese brethren to help (not enough white chinese speakers). They were all very hyped about it.
The taiwanese mormon families were all very fucking strange and westernized. Becoming mormon is not just about fake mormon jesus, it's also about giving up your culture for western christian bullshit. Every time someone converts to mormonism, I die a little inside.
thanks for the blog.
09/23/06
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ricemutt
oh by the way, the underwear thing is true. my bro is always wearing those crazy underwear, and his wife, too. I have a magic underwear t-shirt that my brother left behind once. it has a cross on one nipple and 'v' on the other; no idea of the significance though.
09/23/06
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Tenine
ricemutt said: "it's also about giving up your culture for western christian bullshit. "
Christianity is VERY different to Mormonism.
I think it would be fairer to say, that you'd be giving up your culture for 'Western Mormon bullshit'.
09/23/06
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mulletballet
they refer to them as "garments" or "temple garments" -- they're supposed to 'protection' from bodily harm. I was raised Mormon, in Utah, no less, so I got to see plenty of this stuff. They're very frumpy and make wearing some fashionable clothing difficult, which I think is part of the point - forced modesty.
They teach that Jesus came to the American continent during his resurrection to teach the natives, and that the natives themselves are the "lost tribe of Israel" - which has recently been scientifically disproven, and has left a lot of converts in Mexico and other southern American places feeling a bit cheated and misled, since the whole book is based on descendants of European countries and they are, in fact, Asian in descent. "whoops"
09/23/06
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jdg
i know way to much about the freeks called mormans.
freeeeks.
go rule your own planet you freeks
09/23/06
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Squeal
Hey I'm offended.
j/k
From 1998 to 2000 I served as an LDS missionary in the mexican state of puebla. It was a good time. I really thought I was doing the right thing, as did most of the missionaries I came into contact with. Struggling with masturbation was really a pain, and it apparently does cause guilt and lack of confidence.....if you're BRAINWASHED. The effects of mormonism have been and will be hard to overcome for me. Luckily my wife and I are on the same page with this; in many cases leaving the church means breaking up your family. We have 2 lovely kids.
Most religions are full of bullshit. The thing with mormonism, though, is the amount of denial and mental gymnastics one must go through to accept the story. I feel sorry for the youth of the church, as well as the 19 year olds who are pressured into missionary service. At some point, though, it seems like any sane person should seriously look at all the facts and realize that none of it adds up. At some point their minds are broken.
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