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trying to get a job

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Author: astroid on November 10 2007

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--> I tried to apply for a job off of craigslist last night. i probably shouldn't have done it at 4 am, but I did:

email #1
"Hello,

My name is Scott Bruzenak. I would like to apply for
your writing job. As reflected in my resume, I write
'coverage' for an actor. This involves analysis and
expression, but not at the level you would require. I
am not going to enclose a sample of that because they
prefer, frankly, that I write at a third grade level.

As far as a sample, I have nothing except for this
letter. Why don't I describe something for you?

"My apartment is situated in sunny Valley Village
California. The air here is some of the worst in the
world, bad enough to turn the skies a clammy pink at
night, a consistency which sticks to the palms of your
hands and seeps into your fingernails. My apartment
was apparently built in the 60s, as evidenced by the
peach stove which has not been for at least as long as
we've lived here. "We" in this case means my fiancee
and I.

There is an odd tilt to the apartment, as if it had
been drawn in a spasm by Malevich and then painted by
a drunk Rothko to the current bone color. In reality,
the walls are just a little dirty, and the foundation
was probably thrown askew during the big earthquake.
We chose the location because of the price, which was
as right as you could get in this city without
consulting Bob Barker, and the hardwood floors, which
make life tolerable. Rounding out the sad quirks of
this place, the whole miserable affair faces west,
which adds an oven-like quality to a nice 120 degree
Los Angeles day.

We hope to move very soon, maybe some breathtaking
spanish style villa with tile floors recalling the
alhambra and heavy oak doors, where we could roll in a
bosendorfer and experiment with hanging persian rugs
from the walls to dampen our debussy. We would swim
in our black bottom pool and ride arabians through the
trails out back. We would complement our solar
powered life with bio-diesel excursions to the
farmer's market to get fair trade coffee for our
breakfast. But for now, it's ho-hos and reruns of
cops as we listen to the neighbors drink themselves to
death!"

Of course, anything I write for your clients would
have an unscrapable patina of class. I will airbrush
their ideals until they fit in any Robb Report. I
will sell dreams. I am the H.P. Lovecraft of
corporate lifestyle choices.

thanks for your consideration,

Scott Bruzenak "

and then email #2

"Hello again,

Some details I failed to include: I would be able to
work full 40 hour weeks in the time in question. I
have a dsl line which I use often for transport of
files for my audio jobs.

I devour creative jobs like this, leaving cities of
words and concepts forming eddies in my wake. I would
tear off lusty hunks of this job raw, eviscerate the
vein-blue musculature of the description-object and
spit out an origami fold of polished bones to create a
tautology of consumerism. Dollars flow in, never out.
Clients live, love, die, their whole lives given to
the sickly sweet oblivion of the arcology, the
totality determined by the needs of the industry. The
hypnosis is instantaneous and perfect. The surface is
maybe a word, a turn of phrase that doesn't leave the
mind's ear, lingering long enough in the 7-object
limit of memory. The substance is absolute surrender
to what seems to be a dream, but in fact was implanted
as a need to be fulfilled. Behold! The solution and
problem in the same breath, a trojan horse in sheep's
clothing. Wool cloaks for all as we traverse back
over the rubicon for a hero's tribute!

anyway,
maybe you'll choose someone more 'sane', someone with
'relevant CV'. I don't know. If you have read to
this point, you see something I have. You want it.
Maybe if you try as hard as you can, and give me 35
dollars and hour, you can have it, focused like haarp
upon your clouds and fault lines. That, my dear
application reader, is the clay of which legends are
forged.

thanks again
scott"

oops

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Comments

1 | 2

11/11/07 + yghartsyrt

class.

best read for a sunday.

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11/11/07 + Fredo

, exciting and new...

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11/11/07 + cbit

Thanks for your interest. This is an automated message no need to reply.

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11/11/07 + jonbro

[i]We chose the location because of the price, which was
as right as you could get in this city without
consulting Bob Barker[/i]

solid gold.

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11/11/07 + utofbu

some lucky app screener is going to have a timeless gift bestowed upon them.

btw? FUCKTHRONE? LOLOLOLOL!

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11/11/07 + celibacyclub

maybe read these into a mic for your next ep?

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11/11/07 + tantan

me loves you

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11/11/07 + kwality

I'm on the treadmill of looking for a new gig too, in the writing field. Wow is all I can say about that application... my only advice is to think about it from their end - make it quick, easy and to the point for them 'cos they'll probably have a thousand to go through.

Good luck with it man, maybe next time write something a little less "personal", as that tends to be the sort of writing anyone can do. Something objective often shows more skills. I don't wanna rain on your parade though, 'cos it was a good read!

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11/11/07 + astroid

good advice, kwality.

i'll remember that next time.

Recent blogs: blog friends?, california gay-friendly folk looky here, if tubgirl were immortal

11/11/07 + GregTArtZ

Hell of a cover letter, may be too much info, hmmm.

Recent blogs: www.virb.com, whats your favorite plug of all time?, Its a mans World

11/11/07 + GregTArtZ

I love the oops at the end hahahah.

Recent blogs: www.virb.com, whats your favorite plug of all time?, Its a mans World

11/11/07 + hecanjog

"writing copy or eating babies, it's all the same to me!"

You're a tyrant, I love these.